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This morning I was thinking about shooting myself. I don’t own a gun, so I guess that flushes that area of pondering. I wouldn’t kill myself anyway, but still…it was an area of pondering.

I’m a middle aged married man with children, yet I rarely hear the laughter of children in my house. How did I manage to doom myself to this winter morning of standing in my home, in absolute silence, knowing that I am absolutely barren as a father? How much of my identity as a father did I forfeit upon signing on the dotted line of the divorce paper over a decade ago?

I try to communicate with my children in ways that my father never communicated with me, and yet, I fail. I’m broadcasting to receivers that aren’t even remotely tuned to my frequency. I find myself wondering, annoyed, what exactly do my children want from me? I try to give them of myself, yet…it’s not enough. We don’t communicate.

I’m confused about my career. How much money do I need to save for retirement? My friends tell me that I need more. How much is “more”? “Just have more” they tell me. More than what? I’m well on my way to being a millionaire when I retire. How much do I need?

I pray for solace, yet none is given to me.
I pray for understanding of this life I lead, yet understanding eludes me.
I pray that my life has some sort of meaning, yet I fear it has none, and that I will never be granted the understanding from God as to what my true purpose is on this globe.
I seek, yet I fine no solace.