blah

This morning I was thinking about shooting myself. I don’t own a gun, so I guess that flushes that area of pondering. I wouldn’t kill myself anyway, but still…it was an area of pondering.

I’m a middle aged married man with children, yet I rarely hear the laughter of children in my house. How did I manage to doom myself to this winter morning of standing in my home, in absolute silence, knowing that I am absolutely barren as a father? How much of my identity as a father did I forfeit upon signing on the dotted line of the divorce paper over a decade ago?

I try to communicate with my children in ways that my father never communicated with me, and yet, I fail. I’m broadcasting to receivers that aren’t even remotely tuned to my frequency. I find myself wondering, annoyed, what exactly do my children want from me? I try to give them of myself, yet…it’s not enough. We don’t communicate.

I’m confused about my career. How much money do I need to save for retirement? My friends tell me that I need more. How much is “more”? “Just have more” they tell me. More than what? I’m well on my way to being a millionaire when I retire. How much do I need?

I pray for solace, yet none is given to me.
I pray for understanding of this life I lead, yet understanding eludes me.
I pray that my life has some sort of meaning, yet I fear it has none, and that I will never be granted the understanding from God as to what my true purpose is on this globe.
I seek, yet I fine no solace.

Squeaky Clean

I’ve resumed my life on the road after being home for several weeks during the holidays.

The isolation and loneliness of the hotel room at night seem greater than last year. I found myself sitting in my hotel room, working on my homework, and wondering just how I manage to do this all the time. Soon I may resort to bringing finger puppets with me for a little extra conversation and entertainment.

Somehow I managed to schedule both a dentist appointment and a doctor appointment on my day off, the MLK holiday. I was violated (and squeaky clean) at both ends prior to 10AM.

Year End

Today is my last work day of the year, and appropriately, I’ll spend it on several planes traveling home. Here’s my stats for the year.

Days (working) on the road: 186
Days (Holiday) on the road: 15
Miles Flown: 100,000’ish
Flights: 110’ish
Sick: Twice (both while on the road)
Forgetting name of grandchild: Once
Forgetting own name: Once
Where I’ve been: MN, NY, TX, IL, IH, HI, MO, OR, MA, CA, Japan

Here’s a link for a location I visited from each location that was interesting to me.

MN: http://www.mallofamerica.com/
NY: http://www.sensuousbean.com/ The owners were more interesting than the coffee.
TX: http://www.gruenetexas.com/ Who knew so many shops could sell the exact same product?
IL: I’m drawing a blank here.
HI: http://www.honolulu.gov/parks/facility/hanaumabay/welcome.htm Park opens at 6AM. Suck it up and do it at 6. Take your own flippers if you go early. Rental units no open until 7:30AM.
MO: http://www.gatewayarch.com/Arch/index.aspx# The arch was closed the day I visited. I’m not kidding either. CLOSED.
OR: http://www.ci.garibaldi.or.us/ Can you see me waving?
WA: http://www.fishintimeguides.com/ I broke the curse.
MA: http://www.essexseafood.com/ Good, local dining
CA: http://www.beachboardwalk.com/ (shh…I kept a ring from the carousel
Japan: http://r.gnavi.co.jp/a231600 Who knew that some bars are open until 5AM?

Revisiting preivous post

This week I’m working on site with the customers I mentioned in my April 7th post. Fade eight months and here we are, the full disservice of the “bulk training” forced upon my customers by their own management now in full blossom.

The customer doesn’t have clue how to use the equipment his company bought from my company. This is not good. The customer’s internal customers are upset that the tool isn’t performing the way they think it should. This is bad. The customer won’t admit that he doesn’t remember anything I taught him. This is very bad. The customer requested that I come here to work with him and now he took a day off. I’m sitting here in a cubicle doing absolutely nothing productive to assist this customer and help dig him out of the hole he’s in. This is very, very bad. I’m drinking coffee, working on reports, and generally being unproductive. The clock is ticking away and the customer is paying serious cash for me to sit here and do nothing.

My other customers are rather annoyed that I’m not working with them at this exact moment, and I’m already booking my travel for January. I can’t believe I’m sitting here…doing nothing....

Flush

I’m in NYC this weekend with Grace and our friends. It’s Sunday morning and I’m sitting all alone in my hotel room trying to take an economics final exam while they’re off in China town have a good time without me.

Am I doing the right thing in going back to school? Sitting in a hotel room on a “holiday” weekend and doing homework each morning and now a final this morning make me wonder what return I’ll actually see on this investment of our time.

I’ve sat here for three hours and I’ve been unable to access my final on-line. An entire morning flushed down the toilet.

No time to smell the roses

I have a live customer demo this week on a toolset that doesn’t work.
I have a final this week.
I have a trip to NY this week.
I have a boss who wants me to cancel my Christmas vacation this week to compensate for him dumping too much work on me.

Stenglish

I have just completed my 165th on the road. I am officially now holding on to the rim of the toilet bowl to avoid being flushed during the home stretch. Vacation is just a few blessed weeks away, I just need to hang on just a little bit more and I can make it into a new year.

I have a new co-worker! If my group was previously dysfunctional, now it’s much more so. I now work with:

1-Japanese
1-Chinese
1-British
1-Vietnamese
1-Amerian

That leaves us trying to communicate with each other while mixing, Jenglish, Chinglish, Vienglish, Benglish and Stenglish.

It’s generally more of a game of trying to figure out what someone means than exactly what they’re saying.